The plane floats above the clouds. I observe the light that sculpts the vaporous carpet on which my present is. The wadding of white clouds and the azure sky come together to paint the horizon. I am aware of the planet. From this planet above which I rise. Which raises me. I am aware of this life. Of my life. That I’m alive and that’s great. I was waiting so much for this moment.
The fear is gone. Or rather, it lightened itself. It hovers next to me. It became light. It floats among the clouds. It reminds me that I am going beyond my limits and doing what I have to do.
At that moment, it looks like I could die. I am where I should be. I accept it. I contemplate the moment. Without fears, without frustrations, without regrets. I surrender to the moment. I savor the nervousness of not knowing what awaits me.
I want to talk to you about domestic journeys. Plane tickets that transport us far from everything but closer to ourselves.
Magic to fly to the unknown. To let go in the void. To get lost in foreign cities. To forget the way. To be guided by her feelings, her instinct, her desires, to clear her own path. To no longer know anything, to learn again.
Two and a half years ago I started a series of trips that would change my life. Or rather; I decided to change my life through a series of trips.
I finally started to allow myself to do what I wanted to do. To go in search. In search of what? I did not even know myself. Simply the irrepressible desire for several years to change everything. The absolute need to get away from everything I had always known and which had always defined me.
During the last years, I was made to feel transparent so much I had forgotten myself. I began to disappear before I even died. The urgency was felt. I felt my gut feeling calling.
I discovered the fire burning from the inside. A fire so ardent that I understood that if I did not let it out, I was going to burn myself. My strength would then become what was going to end. I could not let that happen. I had to find a way to use that intensity, that rage to live. So I changed EVERYTHING.
I threw myself into the void without knowing what was waiting for me. The head, the heart and the suitcases full of hope because I knew that what I was going to meet in my path could never be as devastating as the emptiness and confusion that resonated in me. Empty that I had tried, over the years, to fill by many things. But every time I thought I had found what was going to fill that gap, the satisfaction was only temporary …
I had finished hiding behind excuses, putting the wrong on others and on the different elements and events of my life. I had to face the fact that to find what I was missing, I had to deal with this void. My emptiness I had to leave the maximum to see more clearly.
So I separated, sold all my belongings and decided to invest in the void. I left. I made my first solo trip in Spain at the age 31. Why Spain? Why alone? I had always been attracted to Spain. I needed to fill myself with all the feeling I had deprived myself of for so many years. So I was filled with colors, smells, music, breathtaking landscapes, love. Of all the pleasures I wanted. I took everything. I filled my heart as we fill our lungs with oxygen. My soul was thirsty to explore and feel. To discover everything that was different from me. To think only of me. What I wanted to do. Everything was not rosy either. I had difficult moments. Sometimes I felt terribly alone. I needed others but at the same time I needed to continue my path, to chart my way to me. Alone.
I had to take the time to fill myself with myself before I could properly give to others. Because I did not know how to give. I was empty. Empty of myself.
But each time I listened to my desires, my needs, that I put aside my judgment of “good” or “bad”, I had the impression to find or find a little more of myself. I found the reckless little girl that I was very long ago. The little girl who was not afraid to love, to be rejected, to try new things, to fail, to start again, to play, to learn and always to go forward. Over time, I found more and more this essence that makes me, me.
I did not know it yet but I had the most vital need, sincere and pure; discover who I am.
And that’s how it all started…